Humbling Bumbling

It is time to face the huge elephant in my room... The elephant is Online Dating. As someone who has just stepped into her 30s, it is imperative for me to share what dating looks like in 2022. I am sharing some of my fun experiences on a variety of dating apps over the past many years.

This blog is a winding story — some are adages from life, some parts are stark observations, some parts are preachy and some might seem offensive. I would advise caution. But all of this comes from empirical data — most from my own experiences

I have been on and off dating apps since I was in college. But more recently, I became more “approachable” on it. As many women will relate, dating apps make you jaded after a point. The same guy, with the same bike, with the same “Fluent in Sarcasm” as his number one attribute, with the same laundry list of countries he has been to. Thank you! Well traveled gentleman.

To begin with, I am listing some types of men that I found on dating apps. Unfortunately, I am not 60-crore-women, I am just one silly ol’ gal. The list is actually never-ending, and I am sure if I team up with 4 other women on dating apps, we can come up with a 10-part best seller.

  1. The Travel Junkie: Dude, if I knew what countries those flags represent, I would have duped a guy into liking me from those countries! Gone are the days of subtle brag where you casually put in “Cafe risotto from Tuscany” as your go-to place for lunch. Men have now taken the bolder approach. Type flags on your phone’s keypad and tap away till your arms break (including the HUGE RED FLAG).
  2. The Family Man: When the dude writes: “My Wife” is his greatest strength, I wonder if he’s ever told her that. Maybe she would then spend 2 minutes of her day pacifying his male ego and maybe, he would not go to dating apps to seek fake gratification, which he anyway is not getting with those lines. The family man has pictures with his kids. He has pictures with his Wife, if say, he is in the mood or if his love handles are getting the perfect hiding spot.
  3. The Shy Guy: Shy guys are the best. Which means they are the worst. The shy guy plays a game of hide-and-seek with you. Ever played the game — spot the difference between two pictures? The Shy guy uses the same logic, wherein all his pictures are with other — typically better-looking dudes. Now it’s up to you, to sieve all the pictures and find out your lucky guy. On one occasion, I swiped right on a shy guy and asked him to set me up with the guy next to him in the 3rd photo. In all fairness, he was a d%$k, to begin with.
  4. The “Serious” Dude: The serious dude is your bro. He will make you think he is not looking for hookups and that his life’s mission is about finding the right gal. But in fact, he’s not had an intimate relationship with anyone. No woman in her right mind would give him the luxury of a one-night stand. So he needs to look serious, bordering nerdy vibes, just so that some poor ol’ lady would take pity on him and swipe right on him.
  5. Only Hookups: From nipple action to dick pics — the possibilities for the only hookups guy are limitless. He wants only one thing, and he will make sure his entire bio screams it out loud. The only hookups guy, in fact, might just be the safest guy to swipe right on. At least he's honest about the fact that no living woman in real life would give him any action. He might as well catfish his way to intercourse.
  6. The Unsmiler: This guy tries very hard to smile. But life really gave him the short end of the stick. Now he wants you to know that. Unsmiler will never smile. His 3 BHK highrise apartment did not have french windows! Clearly, his chakras are not lining up! Have sympathy for the unsmiler. Match his unsmile with an unsmile. If you vibe, who knows, you'll have unsmiling babies.
  7. The Biker Dude: The title explains it all. It’s a clean & simple recipe for a LEFT SWIPE.
  8. The Foreigner: O.M.G. This guy’s either an NRI or a caucasian dude. Can't decide who is the bigger pain in the arse. They compete hard to be the “hardest to get”. “You see, all brown girls are anyway behind me for the potential of a green card, so I am not bothered by your lack of enthusiasm”. The Foreigners are the most entitled of them all. God knows who these women are, but they get a LOT OF ATTENTION. They are never free or available because they already have 5 dates lined up in the next 3 hours. Best to avoid a foreigner, unless life has done you so much good, that you are actively looking for terrible experiences that will make you feel like shit.
  9. The I am a DUDE Dude: Ever read “Fluent in Sarcasm” in someone’s bio? Well, he is a D.U.D.E. This dude thinks he’s got the world figured out. His perfect match will be if we “vibe together”. He will be looking for a girl to share pizzas with on the weekend while binge-watching Netflix. Is he looking for a life partner or a sex doll? A sex doll would be an easier bet. You’ll get to eat the whole pizza by yourself too! Plus your fluency in sarcasm won't destroy a living soul’s life.
  10. The Recurring Pain: You saw this guy back in 2015 when you helped a friend set up their dating profile. And you occasionally bump into him, so much so, that you might just recognize him in person. This guy shares your pain, but both of you know he was a pain, to begin with, and that is why you never swiped right on him. But it is always nice to give them a virtual nod of acknowledgment
  11. The pictures-speak-louder-than-words dude: Line up a bunch of pictures and that is it. No bio, no description. No idea if you are a serial killer or a known convict. The point this dude is trying to make is, that his charming looks and those amazing aviator knockoffs should be more than enough to encourage you to swipe right. The right swipe ratio is 1:10,000 on a lucky day.

And now for the icing on the cake. Here are some screenshots of these wonderful men. And this is just 1% of the screenshots I have. And 000.1% of the screenshot opportunities I missed.

If this image doesn’t load, the universe is on your side
Eyesore induction

Thanks for giving this write-up your 2 minutes. If you have similar relatable stories, let’s get together for coffee.

PS: This writeup is a work in progress

--

--

Always fascinated by stories

Love podcasts or audiobooks? Learn on the go with our new app.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store